Milk Milk Lemonade

How to have a good day: The Benjamin Button Day.

It’s called a “Benjamin Button Day” because you do everything backwards! Here’s how you do it:

Start drinking in the morning.

Don’t shower.

Do NOT greet the day.

Text your friends about all the fun you had with them later.

Eat a steak (riches) or a hotdog (poors) around 10AM.

Play on the internet (this activity, being the “mid-life” of your day, remains in the middle regardless of the backwards/forwardsness.)

Drink a bunch of coffee in the mid to late afternoon. Tell the barista “Good morning!” and when she tries to correct you, say, “SHUT UP DON’T TALK TO ME BEFORE MY MORNING COFFEE.”

Brush your teeth and look in the mirror for the first time. Change outta those PJs!

Make an omelet around 11PM. Eat it in the shower.

Die.

Have a good day, Mr. or Ms. Button!

Everything besides salsa that tortilla chips taste pretty OK when dipped in

• Guacamole (No shit. Get outta here if you’ve got guac, fancy jeans.)
• Special “guacamole” (when you mash up an avocado and just jam in whatever else you have lying around)
• Sour cream (DUH!)
• Hummus (more like YUMMUS!)
• Ranch (Ranch=no rules. Britney Spears puts it on her pizza!)
• Oil and Balsamic Vinegar (tortilla chips and crostini are basically cousins)
• Soft cheese (any)
• Hard cheese that has been melted (any but bleu)
• Bleu cheese (in extreme cases)
• Chocolate (no, seriously)
• Cottage cheese (somebody’s gotta eat it)
• Plain yogurt (it’s like sour cream but mildly worse in every possible sense)
• Lime yogurt (Mexican food has limes)
• Strawberry yogurt (who cares)
• Pesto (it’s fun to imagine Mexican and Italian people kissing each other as you eat this)
• Whatever you have in your fridge drawers just chopped up really small (Onion? God yes. Cucumber? Why the hell not! Nobody’s lookin’! Baby corn? Why the fuck do you have baby corn? Sure, throw those little monsters on there, too.)
• Water (for when the chips are stale!)
• Vodka (Step one: dip chip in glass. Step two: throw away chip. Step three: drink.)
• Caramel (JUST KIDDING. That’d be gross.)

I deleted everything from this blog and decided to start over with some of my TIPS and IDEAS. I am thinking about it as a sort of “Lifestyles of the Poor and Lonely.”

This is my first lifestyle tip! Enjoy and happy eating!